Hi there! It's been a while I guess.
It feels good to write here again, these past months have been just so heavy, which is crazy because I also genuinely had the best experiences during this time. BIG TRIGGER WARNING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT: ED & SUICIDAL THOUGHTS??
I struggled with some sort of eating disorder but really I don't know, I was so scared to tell anyone because I thought it was all in my head. I wasn't even that sick, you know? Who would have believed me when I looked just fine? So I kinda just ate less and less and guess what it backfired🥀🥀
What I was even thinking good lord. And thus it kinda happen that I fell into a really bad mental state and yk I don't even know how to define it because I constantly felt so low and sad and angry and all I was thinking about was death. I wouldn't purposely off myself but it was kinda just there, I stopped feeling any type of emotion and I also just planned to stop eating until I definitely shut down. I was so scared of myself lmao.
But nevermind, I'm finally recovering! I don't know what it was exactly but at some point I forced myself to eat more and I tried to keep myself busy in every way possible and it is kinda working? I still cry a lot sometimes but at least I'm eating and I don't think about death anymore. That's what makes me think it wasn't even that bad actually, because I managed to do it alone with the help of a very trusted friend. Sometimes I think I really just wanted attention and it makes me feel so bad, I always live with the need to help my friends when they feel sad but I was so out of it I couldn't even do that and honestly I just feel like a pick me right now I won't ever feel like my pain was valid enough when there are people who seriously suffer so much. But that's alright ig, it's not even important anymore.
Damn that was quite a ventðŸ˜ðŸ˜
I'm sorry guys for trauma dumping I really just needed to get this off my chest. I actually feel so light right now. THERE ARE NO PROGRESSION WITH MY CRUSH CAUSE I'M A LOSER and honestly I don't think I'm their type at all. Not that my flirting was even explicit lmao💀💀
Recently I've been enjoying my hobbies again and I really missed web dev! I hope to get right into it soon.
I think that's all for today? again, so sorry for the rambling, I'm glad I have this blog.
Thank you for stopping by!
xoxo
Moony<33
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