28/03/26 Log

TW kinda?? Mentions of light body dysmorphia and self sabotaging thoughts, I don't think I'm that severe but I don't want to make you uncomfortable guys and this is just a little vent anyway. Stay safe <33

I honestly don't know what's happening to me anymore, one moment I'm super euphoric and the next I just feel kinda shitty you know? I've been feeling so hateful towards my body in the last few days and I've been binging a bit. I would like to blame it on my period and the fact that my hormones are going crazy but I feel completely loss, like I don't have any control over it anymore. Do I even make sense while typing this?

Rationally I know it isn't the solution but the desire to just starve myself again is tempting, I swear I felt so disciplined at that time and I promised myself to talk to my friends whenever I felt like that again but god it's so difficult. Lately a friend of mine was going through a very bad moment and you know what I did? Nothing. Like, at all. Because I was so caught up in my fucking head I couldn't even take care of one of the people I love most and I feel so shitty like it's not even that bad why can't I just snap out of it? I think food doesn't even taste good anymore for me. 

Plus, I haven't been studying like I usually do and I feel like I'm failing yet again, it's like I never made progress to begin with. It's not even about attention span it's just that I live in this continuous state of anxiety that makes me procrastinate even more and I don't know what to do with myself seriously what's wrong with me. I swear to god I need a fucking psychologist but how do I even tell my parents when it's me in the first place that can't take myself seriously? But alas, if I sleep on it maybe it will go away.

7/03/26 Log

Hi there! It's been a while I guess.

It feels good to write here again, these past months have been just so heavy, which is crazy because I also genuinely had the best experiences during this time. BIG TRIGGER WARNING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT: ED & SUICIDAL THOUGHTS??

I struggled with some sort of eating disorder but really I don't know, I was so scared to tell anyone because I thought it was all in my head. I wasn't even that sick, you know? Who would have believed me when I looked just fine? So I kinda just ate less and less and guess what it backfired🥀​🥀​

What I was even thinking good lord. And thus it kinda happen that I fell into a really bad mental state and yk I don't even know how to define it because I constantly felt so low and sad and angry and all I was thinking about was death. I wouldn't purposely off myself but it was kinda just there, I stopped feeling any type of emotion and I also just planned to stop eating until I definitely shut down. I was so scared of myself lmao. 

But nevermind, I'm finally recovering! I don't know what it was exactly but at some point I forced myself to eat more and I tried to keep myself busy in every way possible and it is kinda working? I still cry a lot sometimes but at least I'm eating and I don't think about death anymore. That's what makes me think it wasn't even that bad actually, because I managed to do it alone with the help of a very trusted friend. Sometimes I think I really just wanted attention and it makes me feel so bad, I always live with the need to help my friends when they feel sad but I was so out of it I couldn't even do that and honestly I just feel like a pick me right now I won't ever feel like my pain was valid enough when there are people who seriously suffer so much. But that's alright ig, it's not even important anymore.

Damn that was quite a vent😭​😭​

I'm sorry guys for trauma dumping I really just needed to get this off my chest. I actually feel so light right now. THERE ARE NO PROGRESSION WITH MY CRUSH CAUSE I'M A LOSER and honestly I don't think I'm their type at all. Not that my flirting was even explicit lmao💀​💀​

Recently I've been enjoying my hobbies again and I really missed web dev! I hope to get right into it soon. 

I think that's all for today? again, so sorry for the rambling, I'm glad I have this blog.
Thank you for stopping by!

xoxo
Moony<33